


Conan the Virgin Dork

by PastaBucket



Category: Conan the Barbarian & Related Fandoms
Genre: Bad Writing, Butch Lesbians, Crack, F/M, Femdom, Hurt, Muscles, Rejection, Ridiculous, Shameless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:35:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24546250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastaBucket/pseuds/PastaBucket
Summary: Conan goes around in a sex dungeon begging beefy amazonian women for sex, and getting turned down.I just wrote this for the lulz.
Relationships: Conan/Nobody
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

Hello there.  
I am Conan.  
You might know me from movies such as Conan the Barbarian, and Conan the Barbarian Strikes Again.  
I am right now in a sandstone pit.  
I just woke up here.  
It's kinda weird. It must be some kind of prison.  
Lucky for me, there's a rope here.  
Hah! They thought that they could just leave a rope dangling down into my prison pit. I'll show them!

There! I've climbed out of my prison pit. I'm pretty sure some guy saw me and ran away. I hope he doesn't alert any guards.  
I appear to be in some kind of a dungeon.  
Past the bars I see many pretty ladies.  
This must be a SEX dungeon.  
There's an ogre looking amazon woman here, guarding a cell with two sexy women in them, all shackled up.  
Hi there, sexy lady! Who are those sexy ladies you're guarding?  
"None of your business, punk. These are MY sexy bitches. Get your own!"  
Oh, woah there, ogre lady! You look pretty strong there, so I'm not gonna be any trouble. I just wondered if you were in the trading business or something.  
"Well, I'm not, so scram!"  
Woah, okay. Sorry for bothering you.

Oh, there's another orge woman over there.  
Hi there, beef lady! You wanna do some sexy times or something?  
"Fuck off, loser."  
Jesus! Just tryin' to make conversation around here.

Oh, but look! There's a blonde over here that's looking pretty skinny.  
How's it going there, young lady?  
"Oh god, not another one. Get lost, or I'll kick your ass."  
Why are you guys all so mean to me? You're aware that I have a penis, right?  
"Piss off! Hey, on second thought, I heard that there was one of us thirsty for cock."  
Oh, really? Where is she?  
"She's up there."  
Wait, all the way up there? Jesus, I can't climb all the way up there!  
"Then I guess you might as well chop your penis off and eat it, because that's all the use you'll have for it."  
Rude! You guys are the meanest bitches I've ever seen!  
"Yeah, 'cause you're such a wimpy dork."  
Well, I'll try not to be, but it's hard.  
"Don't care. Looking at you, my pussy is so dry that it's basically glued shut."  
Ouch!


	2. Chapter 2

Hi again, amazon woman.  
"Keep walking, bitch. My butch, man-liberated pussy may be perfectly framed like a Belgian Blue, and my colon full of warm excrement, but none of it is for you."  
Uhh, okay, but I'm just heading back to my pit to jerk off. My pit is just over there.  
"If I hear so much as a moan coming my way, I'm going to pummel you senseless."  
...in a sexy way?  
"In a bad way!"  
Woah! Okay! Just asking. There's no need to point that club at me. I'll try to jerk it with as much quiet shame as possible.  
"Just so we're clear: I won't shed a single tear of lubricant out of my muscular pussy over your demented sexual fantasies."  
Uh, okay. So what's the deal with your bitches anyway? You seem to have a whole harem going there.  
"Well, the one to the left is my dog bitch. I've trained her to snarl and bark on command, and she can beg for food and tear you to pieces at the snap of my fingers."  
...and the other one?  
"She's just a rabid man-eating dog bitch that I found while walking around in the woods. I have to feed her with a long bakers peel for safety reasons. Her poop is especially rank, and I hate scooping up after her, but don't get any ideas: Not even that I'll throw into your pit to fondle."  
So you're an animal trainer?  
"I am royalty around these parts, so it comes natural to me."  
So can you tell me anything about the other women here?  
"Well, the caged woman next to me is actually a polar bear in human form, that they caught and polymorphed into a woman. The woman up that long rope, is a lunatic who's on a lifelong quest to kill all men. ...and that bony blonde over there, is just a super ninja bitch."  
A super ninja bitch?  
"Yes. The powers that be infused her with super powers to kill all men with."  
This sucks. I guess I'll be in my hole.  
"Hey, I'm serious about the moaning. You don't want none of my dogs. They've eaten plenty of men like you over less."


	3. Satan's Swedish Women

"I collect the biggest bugs I can find, and then I put them all inside my vagina. Gyahahahaaa!"  
Get away from me, devil woman! I don't want none of your squirming centipedes!  
Oh boy, maybe exploring the Swedish block of this prison, wasn't the best of ideas. Sure they told me that Swedish girls were sent to Earth by Satan to make men suffer, but they also told me that they'd have sex with me, and I believe in vagina more than Satan, but this is just too much!

"Kneel before your superior, insufferable rapist vermin!"  
But that's not even true!  
"Silence, filthy maggot!"  
Why are you being so rude, Swedish woman? Ouch! Stop whipping me! I'm out of here!  
"But I haven't even murdered you yet! I've brewed this bottle of poison just for you!"  
Jesus! All I wanna do is have sex with you! Don't you like sex?!  
"Of course we do, but afterwards we have to torture you to death for your sins."

"Toil for me, Conan."  
Why?  
"Because I'm so sexy."  
Yeah, but will we have sex then?  
"Only if you rape me, Conan."  
What?! What's with your obsessions about rape?!  
"I don't want to fuck you, but I want to watch you squirm and break your mind until you fuck me anyway. Men are supposed to rape women."  
Uh, no thanks, crazy lady!  
"At least prove that you're a man and hit me! Hit me hard!"  
No! What the fuck?!  
"Then die!"  
Hey, stop trying to claw out my eyes!  
"Come back! Why aren't you raping me, you failure of a man?!"

"I want to have sex with you, Conan."  
Really?! For real? ...like mutual sex?  
"Yeah, and then I want to elope with our children, and have them raised by other men."  
Uh, that's not really how a relationship is supposed to work.  
"Relationship? I thought you just wanted sex. I don't do love - just pregnancies."

Dude, stop choking and beating that poor cat! What is wrong with you?! You're going to kill it!  
"It's the only way that it's going to learn, Conan. I'm going to raise our children the same way, after I've had them kidnapped by crazy old ladies. Kiss me, Conan. I'll bite off your tongue because it's funny."

Dude, fuck Sweden and its women. If I find a source of fire, I'll return and burn this whole block to the ground.


End file.
